going off track

• Well hello my friends and welcome back to the bitching record of life, now I know what you’re thinking; you haven’t had two updates so close together in quite a while, however something happened this morning that irritated me so much I couldn’t believe I was yet to record a blog about it, I am going to talk today about Railway Station (and to a lesser degree Bus Station) etiquette.
  
  The thing this morning that annoyed me so much was when I got to the station for my usual commute to work. And those of us that work (Looking at you with jealous eyes students and unemployed people!) know how traumatic this time of the morning can be, it takes all your wits just to avoid getting mowed down on the zebra or toucan crossing (New word I’ve learned by the way, a toucan crossing is one where bikes and people cross simultaneously “two-can” you see, isn’t that clever!) and you’re not entirely certain you’ve managed to get that last crescent of toothpaste off the corner off your mouth so you’re trying to surrepticiously lick the corner of your mouth but anxiously avoiding eye-contact with the hot girl lest she think you’re making lustful advances towards her (which in fairness you are but you’ve seen her boyfriend and he’s built like the proverbial outhouse!). Anyway it’s that kind of time of the morning and all you want to do is buy a ticket and get on the train out of the cold but no there’s somebody at the front of the queue arsing about with something. People trying to buy on card who haven’t read the sign saying Maestro and Electron not accepted, or is paying off a fine and grumbling loudly about it, or they’re not sure where they want to go and are planning their route and you just find yourself thinking “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE AT THIS TIME OF THE MORNING! THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE WITH JOBS TO GET TO AND YOU’RE HOLDING THEM UP!” And then begins that most wonderfully middle class language, the communal tut, it’s a beautiful thing, when the whole line just thinks as one “what a ****”.
  
  Other train station related things that annoy me include people coming off (or down to) platforms where one of the escalators is broken and you can tell which one it is because the other one works and shows which way it’s going so by simple deduction you know which side is broken, and yet some people still think “Well if it’s stopped surely anyone can use it” and when you come sprinting down/up it and inadvertently maim their toddler/spouse/pet camel or whatever it may be that this cretinous person has in tow they look accusingly at you as if its your fault, no you absolute pillock it’s your fault for going up/down the wrong escalator, maybe if both were out of order I could forgive you but yours is working fine so don’t use mine!
  
  The final real irritant to me comes from these new electronic barriers they seem ever so keen on installing at stations these days, you can guarantee you will always end up stuck behind someone whose ticket isn’t registering and the desire to take that latest Dan Brown book that they’re obviously reading (this type of idiot always reads Dan Brown!) and beat them senseless with it is overwhelming. You just have the desire to say “For gods sake you’re either senile, an idiot or a criminal, whichever it is I don’t care but your ticket doesn’t work and mine does so would you please move yourself and your filthy tracksuit (too snobby?) out of my way so I can get on to actually do some work and depress myself just to earn more taxes and keep you in white lightning so you can keep on not buying tickets for trains and acting surprised when that ticket you picked up off the floor of the carriage isn’t valid!”
  
  This week Matt:

• Had a wonderful time watching the Alan Bennett Season on BBC 4, he has such a lovely soothing voice!
• Got very annoyed with incompetant staff at the Greek Taverna who insisted I didn't have the money on my credit card to cover the transaction..... what a suprise it was because he was trying to charge me £16,000 for my £160.00 bill, put a decimal point between the dots you cretin!
• Lost his favourite set of cufflinks, if anyone sees them please let me know, they're silver set with faux-diamonds.