Well my friends I write to you this evening with a heavy heart from my deathbed, wheezing and snuffling with more used kleenex around my bed than a 13 year old boy who's just discovered the Electra box set! Yes sadly I have been struck down in my prime with that most hideous of afflictions the male cold. Now there are many scholars (Mainly women it has to be said) who will claim the male cold is simply a myth and that men just want attention, well I say this is patently wrong! When a man is afflicted with such a disease it takes all his energy just to sip lemsip and reach feebly for the DVD remote (And apparently also write entries in a whimsical blog it seems!) whereas women when supposedly suffering from "The same afflication" can work, clean, care for children and probably invade a small Middle Eastern country should they feel the need. So I say to you women of the world do you really feel this is the same disease? Look at what your partner has been reduced to with his watery eyes and snot encrusted nostrils and tell me he is honestly suffering the same ailment which you so easily take in your stride.
Thankfully I am still in the early stages of the male-cold, it's a bit like one of those terrible B Movies where a disease threatens to wipe out the planet and someone in the quarantine bunkers suddenly sneezes, that kind of thing. At present I just have an annoyingly blocked up nose and a bit of a headache and so am planning an evening curled up in bed with hot lemon watching Frasier on DVD, however if my health continues in this downward spiral be fully prepared for, by Friday, me to be coughing, spluttering and generally infecting everyone in the surrounding area with my germs.
I think perhaps therein lies the crux of this whole male-female cold debate, the reason female colds are less severe is that women (and I am making a massive generalisation here for which I offer no apology) do so like to complain and I find and the fastest way for them to complain is around the office water cooler, which means they are in work so the germs go elsewhere and they recover far faster. For a man, however, he sees the start of his male cold as a reason to have a little time off work to get on with all those things that he doesn't have time for during his busy weekend (such as DVDs and computer games and the like) and as such he goes to bed with a sniffle and the germs build up but have nowhere to diffuse to and so they return to the body and the male cold grows and grows and grows and that is why the male cold is so much more damaging than the female one. Besides which girls if you had a cold and stayed home you'd have to let us men do the housework and look after you and we're patently not designed for such things, no the womans immune system is geared towards getting better as soon as possible so she can get up and clear up the mess of things her man is making downstairs, whereas mens immune systems work to try and keep them bound to their beds for as long as possible so as to avoid going downstairs and being roped into said domestic chores that he will invariably do wrong. It's just how we're built.
Today Matt
- Read an hilarious article in The Times about a woman in a towerblock who got an ASBO for reciting the Lords Prayer loudly on her neighbours doorsteps.
- Discovered the joys of cool strepsils.
- Tried to understand the logic of the C.E.R.N. hadron collider destroying itself from the future but got a sore brain.
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