I actually went for a haircut today (A harrowing experience for any man I can tell you) and it was while in the barbers chair that they offered to "Blend in" my sideburns to link to my "Beard". Now I have never consciously striven to grow a beard, well there was one period in University, my ill-advised "Tuft" era which came to a thankful end when I inadvertantly shaved off half my beard while hungover, so let that be a lesson to all men, don't try operating a razor while hungover, you may destroy weeks of hard work! Anywho that aside I've never really gone in for the whole beard thing, I usually tend to have a light-heavy stubble but that's generally a combination of laziness, refusal to pay the extortionate price of razor blades and a knowledge that every time I do get shaved I look about 12 and get asked for ID constantly which brings me neatly to my first beardy point.
Now I'm not certain if it is just me but as I said when I get a shave I do look like I'm in my early teens and if I neglect to do my hair as well I look mid-way between Toad from Mario and a skinny Elton John, to be honest I'm not suprised the off-licences won't serve me, I'm suprised they aren't ringing the local police to take me away somewhere for my own safety! And yet when I do have my beard there is never any question, apart from in ASDA and their policy is just mad anyway (You now apparently have to look over 27 to buy booze, so you now have to carry ID around with you for almost a decade after you're legally allowed to drink, what madness is this?). Is it just that the beard makes me look that bit older or is it that people with beards look somewhat more trustable? I can't see why they would the majority of the great dictators of history (Lenin, Stalin, Hitler, Hussein, Mugabe, Castro, Et al) all seem to have some form of facial hair, if anything it should be banned, maybe that's why Hitler was so cranky because he couldn't reach that little bit of moustache, could the whole second world war maybe have been averted by Eva Braun just giving Adolf a Gillette Mach 3 for christmas one year? Then again though these gangs of hooded youths that hang around street corners of an evening with the express intention of killing me (Or so the Daily Mail informs me anyway) never have facial hair so maybe that's the clincher, if you're old enough to have grown a beard and wear it in public then you're old enough to drink, see who needs ID?
Now talking in the preious section about the Mach 3 actually brings me onto another bizarre section of the shaving ritual, just how fiercely loyal men are to their razors. Firstly if after a drunken night out you end up staying over at someone elses house (It needn't be a filthy one-night stand I shan't judge you all by my patheic lowly standards, you may simply be at a friends house and end up too drunk to walk in a straight line, especially if you friends house happens to be near a police station as one of mine is) in the morning you invariably wake up with the dishevlled stubble look and your mouth feeling like someone's taken out your teeth and carefully covered them all in a light felt before replacing them. You'll feel a bit strange about it but you will always ask to borrow the hosts toothbrush being sure ypou thoroughly disinfect it before and after and yet would any man ever ask to borrow a razor? I know I certainly wouldn't because a razor is not just a few bits of metal it's a friend a good razor will last for years and years and lending it to someone else would be like if they asked to borrow your wife, it's just a social taboo. And when a long and well loved razor is finally replaced it is like a bit of a death, I remember at University somewhere along the line I lost my Gilette Mach 3 turbo, my favourite ever razor, as I made that long trek to superdrug I knew there and then even though it was a brilliant razor I would never again be a Mach 3 turbo because it would be like a widower getting a new wife who looked identical to his old wife, wrong and little bit creepy every time you went to use it. In the end I chose the razor that I still have 3 years on, the Gilette Fusion Power, it has six blades (Though it's really 5, no man ever uses the little one on the back) and it gives me a lovely close shave but it's just not the same as my old one even though according to the Gilette corporation it's better than my old one (Which, I assume, is why a pack of blades costs the annual British budget defecit). I even had brief dalliance with Wilkinson Sword but any man who claims they're better than Gilette needs shooting, that's like trying to compare Captain Kirk and Captain Picard (Except in that comparison the British product is the superior) the only one's who would possibly choose Kirk are the ones who've missed the entire idea of functionality.
Before I finish I do think we require a quick word about Aftershave as well. What sick bastard invented that stuff? "you've just finished pulling a device across your face that's sharper than cheesewire and has left your face raw and bleeding? What you need now is to splash some scented alcohol over that!" Ironically we all use aftershave but almost no-one actually uses it after a shave, it's why they rename it Cologne and put it infancy bottles. I'd personally just keep the name and put on a warning "Aftershave: Not to be used directly after shaving unless you're the kind of sick person who loves needly pain all over your face" plus that would have the added advantage of if, after a night of passion with a man, he shaves in the morning and you hear him screaming from the bathroom you know he's either slow, illiterate or into light sado-masichism, either way you can get the hell out of there!
Today Matt:
- Finished off his third bottle of imported wine, and I still have three weeks until the next order arrives!
- Realised he has to work on Saturday but doesn't have a clean shirt to wear.
- Started reading a book about pirates and has been talking like a pirate all day, much to the anoyance of anyone who's encountered him.
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